too long

hey hey hey
things are weird, i dont know what else to say. Things are complicated, but when haven't they been. I can't remember when i wasn't angst-free...but that doesn't mean its been a long hard road. it just means that there is always gunna be something to dwell on and focus your attention in a negative way, but it doesn't mean i have to let it consume my life. White kids with problems, right? boo hoo, i know i am very fortunate to have this life and i know alot of other people have it worse, but it doesn't mean i dont bleed, dont cry or get angry, or depressed, or anything else...shit happens. i just need to deal now. grow up shannon...

dance Erin, dance.

dirty feet...

I realized that i have had dirty feet all day long. It doesn't bother me it makes me think...weird i know, but i tend to be that way. just try to stay with me, hard i know, but i will try if you do.

I woke up this morning; hot, hungover, and with an ant in my face, and the first thing i notice is that my feet are absolutely dirty. I said to myself, "the first thing i do today before anything else is to clean my feet, cuz i know that i will just be going crazy all day if i dont." Then i immediately thought where did i go and do that allowed them to become so dirty. I was blown away. My first reaction was to clean them with soap and water, a practice performed by many and highly encouraged in most cultures, but then i noticed the apartment was scattered with such interesting things and people. A completely demolished x-box was lying on the make-shift beer pong table with so many phrases and quotes...and fully descriptive pictures...lol. i found two egginks in the living room sleeping well into the afternoon. i also saw the destruction in the kitchen, from old pizza boxes, old pizza, old macaroni bowls, endless amounts of plastic beer pong cups....i wasn't thinking about my feet anymore. Until i realized, i was the first one up...its almost noon, and i am afraid i may still be drunk. The more i tried to convince myself otherwise the more i believed that maybe i was...maybe only 6 hours have past since my last shot and i could very well still be drunk....then i came to the conclusion i was just hungover....which can be a bitch sometimes. i went and sat outside on the porch with a glass of water, no shoes on, and immediately thought about my dirty feet and how i was making the situation that much worse. I mean, its really gross...why am i torturing myself, why not just clean the feet? well as i was about to get up to go inside and clean my feet when i saw remnants of the night before, it was totally kick ass. That porch saw so much activity, in more ways than one...heavens to betsy, we just wont go there. LoL. I was thinking about kicking the x-box with no shoes, going up to the third floor with no shoes and running out and around from the porch to the yard...if you didn't already realize i tend to get a lil rowdy when i drink. i dont think i was a bad drunk and i think everyone, for the most part, had a fabulous time. By the time i got done thinking about what i had and possibily hadn't done i realized the crowd was up and it was time to socialize. i sat on the floor for the most part, because of my gross feet, so i stayed on the drity floor to be considerate. Hour by hour kept going by and my focus on my dirty feet soon moved to the fact that i was starving and had no way of getting home, but have no fear Meg was here. She is on fall break from PU and was fabulous for coming to get me and lindsay and take us home. Nate came too, he had work to do at IDS. Me and lindsay spent the day together, had a girls day, and i kept thinking, i should really take some time and wash my feet....but i didn't. just kept avoiding it, letting my mind take over and let those ever so serious thoughts fill my head.
by the time i got back into my room i had been away from it for almost two days. i sat down at my computer to find no new mail, no new messages....nothing. Again my dirty feet left my mind and thoughts of acceptance and all of that old teenage angst danced in my head. I was on my way to the bathroom to clean my feet and i found my phone and saw mom had called twice. So i immediately call in hopes of catching her before she gets into bed. I told her about my weekend, good and bad. I asked about my relatives and we gossiped like we always do. If there is dirt in the bontrager/freudenburg households we know about it...and then make sure everyone else does too. she is great...she lets me complain and tells me the same old mom trick...."just keep working at it shannon, things always work out, you know that." its good to hear that from her over and over...she is my most favorite person in the world. After an hour of this and that i told her i was off to bed mostly because i know thats what she really wanted to do...but she would never end a conversation with me to go to bed. I knew at that moment i had no other choice but to clean my feet....
...its the end of the day and i am just now allowing myself to do the one thing i had really set out to do at the beginning of the day. I no longer had thoughts circling around in my head, nothing too important that it would prevent me from successfully accomplishing this task. Then it occured to me, I had been so focused on cleaning my feet when the most logical explanation would be to take a damn shower. a simple 7-9 minute task that would have solved the problem at hand and would have made me feel so much better. So i did this, an entire overhaul. My face, hands, hair, and especially my feet were clean and ready for a whole new adventure.
With that said, sometimes you start off with an idea of how you want things to go and then life gets in the way. It educates and broadens you....what would have today been like if I had cleaned my feet right away? Would my mind have been so busy....i guess i will never know, but i do know I am clean tonight, but in a matter of only a few short steps tomorrow i could be faced with the same dilemma. thats alright, without change and adventure we would all be doomed to wear shoes 24 hours a day, never allowing our feet to experience something or some place new. Thats important to me that i keep a sense of adventure and fun, i dont ever want to be a bore. I think i might wait to clean my feet at the end of everyday, so i can have that much more to learn and think about til i sleep at night.
til next time....watch out for flying furniture.
SONG OF THE DAY:
Across the Universe - Rufus Wainwright

the snooze button is good, but not good for you.

Have you ever had one of those days were you felt like even if you did get a moment to yourself to just relax and kick back that you still wouldn't be at ease. More often than not I always feel like I am not doing something I am supposed to and when I am doing something, I feel like I could be doing more constructive things with my time. I dont know, its unsettling. Despite of all that, I feel, for the most part, pretty good. Sleep is a big problem, and right now the only problem I am having with myself. I am suffering from sleep deprivation again which makes me feel uneasy because over the summer I thought i had gotten rid of it....my senior year of highschool I was diagnosed with a sleeping disorder that if really serious can cause illness and mood swings. I have never let it get to that point, and I dont think, unless i flunked out of school-had my dog die-and lost all my hair at the same time, will ever happen. But its always looming around. I went home a week and a half ago to escape the hectic surroundings and get some real sleep...it didn't happen, in fact i was even more busy than if i had been here. Drinking doesn't help...but what can i say, "once it hits your lips, its so good." just kidding. I just want things to go so smoothly, and the more i try to make it go my way the more it doesn't. I should know this from experience but i have a complex of always expecting the best of myself and always getting the worse. I dont know. I dont feel like a failure, because i have done good things, and i am proud of myself, but i wish i could do more than my body is capable of. I am trying to change that...but i physically and mentally am not prepared for i want from myself even a year from now, and that worries me. maybe it shouldn't but i guess i have a reputation of being a worrier.

I am trying to finally take a back seat to the whole social circle thing. I think i tried so hard to be involved with other peoples problems and troubles that i lost track of my own. They laid dormant in my heart for so long, that when they finally start overflowing i dont remember or know how to deal with them. This is not a good time in my life to be weepy in the inside....but i know alot of kids my age deal with demons inside, so i dont feel bad for feeling bad anymore. I am not asking for sympathy or pity, i am asking for a chance to be there for you when you want me to, not when i want to be there for you. this is a chance for me to deal with my problems head on...get them out of my way so i can feel normal again...and maybe even sleep well again.

I guess in a way i have no idea how i am going to execute this the way i want to, but i know i need to do this. No one wants a nosey friend, but sometimes its fun...lol.

I think this is my cue to exit, but i am leaving a reminder for myself:
Keep it simple and try not to panic. There is always someone waiting for you when you call them out, take comfort in that, and just live.

til next time...
...keep the noise down, i am trying to sleep.

the return of the beloved song of the day:
Today's Selection:

Bigger Stronger by: Coldplay
I wanna be bigger, stronger, drive a faster car,
To take me anywhere in seconds,
To take me anywhere I wanna go,
And drive around a faster car,
I will settle for nothing less,
I will settle for nothing less,

I wanna be bigger, stronger, drive a faster car,
At the touch of a button,
I can go anywhere I wanna go,
And drive around my faster car,
I will settle for nothing less,
I will settle for nothing less,

I think I want to change my attitude.
I think I want to change my oxygen.
I think I want to change my air,
My amorous fear, I wanna choke,

I wanna be bigger, stronger, drive a faster car,
To take me anywhere in seconds,
To take me anywhere I wanna go,
And drive around my faster car,
I will settle for nothing less,
I will settle for nothing less,

I think I need to change my attitude,
I think I want to change my oxygen.
I think I want to change my air,
My amorous fear, I wanna choke,
Bigger, better,
Bigger and better,
Bigger and better,
Bigger, stronger, drive a faster car,
At the touch of a button,
I can go anywhere I wanna go

Happy Birthday Bloggy!

Happy 1st Birthday Blog! You have had many names and many tones, but you made it. I have neglected you at times and over used you at others, but you made it. I have found solice in your blank screen and I have malice in the words I sometimes would soon begin to regret. I love the times you were there for me when I had no one else and never judging me from a bad title. You have been good to me, and I will try to be good to you! so to celebrate, I encourage everyone to read entries from months past. Have i really progressed in a year's time? and what was so major that i thought my life was over? Look for yourself and see what you can find. Sign the guestbook and let me know! thanks to all the readers! Heres to another great year....

the exorcist?

Its a very good possibility that something from the great beyong is reaching us through erin. "they shine in darkness" was found written and underlined on a piece of paper and erin has no recolection of writing such an important phrase. To me, for some reason, it sounds demonic. It kinda makes me uneasy. Maybe Erin has been sleep walking and leaving messages from something of the underworld. Who knows....this is fucking crazy! i am going crazy....or maybe she thought it sounded cool one day and just decided to write it down....i am hoping for option two, but who knows......
.....this room may not be ours.......
til next time...
...look under the bed before you sleep tonight.....mmmbaahhahhahahaa

i'm a hoot...

it was a cooter-ific and fun-tastic day! tailgating was a peach, and the game was even peachier. Full of billigerent students and funfetti celebrations. go IU.
shit went down this morning and things cleared up by noon.
OLD STYLE cubbies kept me company during the chilly morning hours and the smell of butt kept me heeving all afternoon.
Energenic marching bands and one armed men kept me going.
Crazy girlfriends and juggling neighbors were always a topic of conversation.
Good days lead to good nights....hopefully.
Missed wake up times and dirty girls make a hostile morning but a bright afternoon.
til next time though...
...keep your dooter to yourself and seal up your pouch.